Project: Christmas Packages to Romania

Help us send Christmas packages to Romania this year so that Gabriela, Andrei and Cristian can have Christmas for the first time!! I am so excited to be able to send Christmas presents to my family. When Nicu and I were first reunited, it was around Thanksgiving of 2007. With the help of family members, we sent them a really large package for him that Christmas. Shortly after that he told me that I couldn’t send packages anymore because he had to pay the taxes on the package and he couldn’t afford it. I have not been able to send him packages since then. When I visited him I specifically asked him if it was ok to send packages and he said that I could and I am really glad that we will be able to send packages again.

I am especially excited because this year we will be able to give the kids a Christmas. When I was living in Romania, we never had Christmas. I didn’t have my first Christmas or birthday until I was in America. I am really excited to be able to send Christmas to them this year, because without these packages, the kids will not have Christmas this year. When we visited the kids they had no toys in their house. They didn’t even have crayons or markers. We saw just how excited they were to be receiving anything. On our trip we brought more necessities for the children like clothes and shoes, and really not any toys. We want to be able to send them some toys that they can play with.

One of the items I wanted to send was new slippers for everyone. Nicu and his family do not have slippers at all so we wanted to get them some since they walk barefoot on a concrete floor which can get really cold in the snowy winters. Whenever we were at Albina’s house and took off our shoes she would immediately make us wear their slippers so that our feet wouldn’t get cold because their floors were cold. Vica did the same thing. We were never allowed to walk around without having to wear their slippers. Whenever we went to Larisa’s apartment she did the same thing for us, making us wear their slippers. I thought it would be nice if we were able to send each of them a new pair of soft, warm slippers. These could either be slip-ons or slipper shoes with the rubber soles.

Plan: Our plan is to send a Christmas package to Nicu full of goodies for him, Mihaela and especially the kids. We will also be sending gifts to all of the other members of my family, like Albina, etc.

Needs: I’ve made a list of every family member along with their specific information. Here is the information on everyone. Please look through the list and see if there is anything you have on hand or anything that you would like to make, donate or purchase to send in the Christmas packages. See if there is anything around your house you could send. Are there any toys (dolls, cars, stuffed animals, etc) that your kids no longer play with that you could donate? I’ve suggested some items that we would like to send them. If you have other gifts you would like to send, please send them our way. We appreciate anything that you can donate. We also accept any gently used clothing for the children. Please look and see if there are any clothes your children have outgrown that are in the sizes indicated. Please feel free to donate them.

Gabriela (F -age 6): clothing size girls 5-6, shoe size 11 or 12
Clothing Ideas: footed pajamas, warm slippers, pack of socks, pack of underwear, clothes size 5-6, shoes, sweaters, beanies, scarves, mittens/gloves,
Gift Ideas: Barbie, Baby Doll, Play Makeup, Nail Polish, Markers and Coloring Books, Play Jewelry, Play Clothes and Shoes, Stuffed Animals, Educational Games or Toys, Backpack for School, Hair Accessories and Barrettes,

Andrei (M -age 4): clothing size 4T-5T, shoe size 9-10 (toddler)
Clothing Ideas: footed pajamas, warm slippers, pack of socks, pack of underwear, shoes, sweaters, beanies, mitten/gloves
Gift Ideas: Hot Wheels Cars, Action Figures, Markers and Coloring books or Color Wonder, Warm Slippers, Sweaters, Beanies, Mittens, Lacing Cards, Educational Games or Toys, Puzzles, Backpack for School, Balls

Cristian (M -age 2 ½ ): clothing size 2T-3T, shoe size toddler 6-7
Clothing Ideas: footed pajamas, warm slippers, pack of socks, pack of underwear size 2T (or training pants), shoes, sweaters, beanies, mittens/gloves
Gift Ideas: Hot Wheels Cars, Action Figures, Teddy Bear or Stuffed Animal, Markers (smaller size) and Coloring Books, Balls

** The footed pajamas are a great idea for the children because it will keep their feet warm and provide more warmth overall.

Stockings: We will also be sending a stocking for each child. We’ll decorate it and fill it with candies and small items. If you have anything you would like to include in the stockings please send it on over. Any small items like toys, stickers, etc from the Target Dollar Spot or the Dollar Store is a great idea for the stockings.

** Please keep in mind that we should avoid sending any toys with really small parts since Cristian is only 2 and we want to avoid choking hazards.

Target Dollar Spot always has fun things for kids and for only $1.00 it’s a great deal. The Dollar Store is another great place to search for gifts.

Gifts for the Adults
Nicu(M): Shirt Size - M Shoes Size - 9 (41)
Gift Ideas: warm slippers, long johns, pajama set, sweater, watch,
Mihaela(F): Shirt Size - S Pants Size - S Shoe Size - 8 ½
Gift Ideas: warm slippers, shoes, pack of socks, pack of underwear, gloves, long johns, pajama set, necklace, rhinestone hair barrettes
Albina(F): Shirt Size – M/L Shoe Size – 7/8
Gift Ideas: warm slippers, pajama set
Vica(F): Shirt Size – S/M Shoe Size – 7 ½ - 8
Gift Ideas: warm slippers, pajama set
Ionica(M): slippers size 11-12
Razvan (M- age 13): I don’t know what 13 year old boys like – electronic games??
Saveta(F): slippers size 7/8
Vasile(M): slippers size 10
Aurel(M): slippers size 11-12
Zamfira(F): slippers size 9-10
Larisa(F): Shirt Size – XS-S Shoe Size – 6
Marius(M): Shirt Size – M Shoe Size 10
Vasile(M): slippers size L (10-12)
Luminita(F): slippers size 8-9
Mirabella(F): slippers size 8-9

Shipping Goal: We need to ship the packages off before December 15th at the latest. It takes about 10 days for packages to arrive, but with the Christmas rush it will take a little longer. We want to be sure that the packages will arrive in time so we want to ship them before the 15th.

Let’s be Christmas Angels this year!

Thank You

There are no enough words that could fully express how amazing this trip was for me in so many different ways. I felt like I had truly arrived home. Reuniting with my aunt Albina was such a blessing to me. She is an amazing woman and I love her deeply. I so appreciate her kindness. I admire her sheer determination. She never once gave up on finding me. To think she’s searched for almost 18 years in hopes of seeing me one day. I can’t imagine what that must have been like for her. When I wrote my story, I had mentioned that she agreed to my adoption but then later changed her mind. Well, apparently that was not the case. Somehow it must have been a miscommunication. She actually told my father that she wanted to adopt me and that that she was to be the first to know. Because my adoption wasn’t really orchestrated by my father, Albina never knew it was happening. Albina told me that when she found out about my adoption, she immediately called the Ambassador and pleaded for him to cancel the adoption. I cannot imagine what this reunion must mean to her. To me, it means the world.

It was so good for me to see my brother again. You never really know how deeply you’ve missed someone until you see them again. I missed my brothers. Nicu looks so much like my father that at times it was strange to be looking at him. It was like I was seeing my father again. He has not had an easy life and that is hard for me. His children are so beautiful and bright. It was so wonderful to bring so many supplies and necessities to them. I am so grateful to everyone who donated items so that we could bring so much stuff to Nicu and his family. It was a wonderful experience. It was so important for me to have my brothers know how much I love them and that they are not alone. It is hard to be in a situation that seems hopeless everyday and I remember how that feels. It is amazing to witness the change that happens in a person’s countenance when they truly feel loved and cared for. I saw that change in Nicu and Mihaela. But I also saw that change in me. It really changes your life forever. I have been the recipient of some really life changing miracles. I feel so blessed to have had the opportunity and privilege to return home again. Bringing supplies and necessities to those kids really is a miracle for them. As a child, I prayed for a miracle. I was young and I didn’t understand about God but I believed He was there. I believed in Him. So often I prayed for a miracle to happen to us. Countless times I prayed for us to have food so that I wouldn’t be hungry anymore. I prayed that maybe I could be adopted like some other kids. My prayers were answered. Once again my prayers were answered when I got to return home. I think about Gabriela, Andrei and Cristian and the things they must pray for. International adoptions have been closed in Romania for almost 10 years. They don’t have anyone they can turn to for help. They rely on the good graces of God to help them survive. This blog is no longer about me. It’s about Gabriela, Andrei and Cristian. It’s about Nicu, Mihaela and Florin. It’s about Albina and the power of love and never giving up or losing hope. It’s about family. I truly believe that God sends angels to help us when we need it. We have the power to change lives. Miracles exist and we can bring hope to those who need it. I wanted this blog to be about hope and the difference that little acts of kindness can make. Sometimes when we think about helping others or charity, we think about big organizations and amazing acts of charity. But many times it’s the little things we do for others whether it be strangers or family members, that truly lifts a heavy heart. Through the generous acts of so many people involved in making my reunion a reality, we were able to bring so many supplies and necessities to Nicu, Mihaela, Gabriela, Andrei and Cristian. We were also able to bring blankets and other supplies to everyone one else in my family. Because of that, my brother and his sweet kids will be warm this winter. They know that people love them and want to help them.

I thought about what this blog means to me. I would have never considered doing something like this. By nature, I am a very shy and private person, especially when it comes to this part of my life. Hardly anyone knew My Story and most of my memories of my life in Romania remained untold. It took many years of convincing from a special person in particular for me to even consider telling My Story. When I sat down to write My Story on this blog, I really felt like someone else was writing it for me. That night I went to bed and thought to myself, “What in the world have I just done?” It is easy for me to freak out over posting my most personal photos and stories out on the internet for all to see. But as I started thinking about this blog and its purpose in my life, I realized that it really was no longer about me. This blog has turned into a stepping stone providing a way for me to be able to bring supplies and necessities to my family in Romania. Without this blog, none of that would be possible. So many times I have seen the amazing things that have happened because of this blog. I would have never imagined that I could have done anything of this on my own. Just seeing all the donations we were able to bring was truly amazing. To me, this blog means that there is hope out there. That miracles do happen! I feel so optimistic and happy about what the future holds. I am excited because I see so many opportunities out there for us to help each other. As a recipient of so much kindness and generosity over My Story and my reunion with my family, I am constantly amazed at people. So many people who didn’t know me helped and donated amazing items. Even the smallest acts of kindness made a difference.

It is so important for me to know my heritage so that I can pass that on to my children. Along with that, I want to teach my children to help those who need it more than we do because there are always people out there who will need more help than we do. I want to teach my children that they have the power to change the world. I really believe that.

Thank you for making this journey possible for me.

Thank you for being a part of my journey.

A Song That Describes How I Feel ...

"Goodbye's (The Saddest Word)"

Mamma
You gave life to me
Turned a baby into a lady

Mamma
All you had to offer
Was the promise of a lifetime of love

Now I know
There is no other
Love like a mother's love for her child

And I know
A love so complete
Someday must leave
Must say goodbye

Goodbye's the saddest word I'll ever hear
Goodbye's the last time I will hold you near
Someday you'll say that word and I will cry
It'll break my heart to hear you say goodbye

Mamma
You gave love to me
Turned a young one into a woman

Mamma
All I ever needed
Was a guarantee of you loving me

'Cause I know
There is no other
Love like a mother's love for her child

And it hurts so
That something so strong
Someday will be gone, must say goodbye

Goodbye's the saddest word I'll ever hear
Goodbye's the last time I will hold you near
Someday you'll say that word and I will cry
It'll break my heart to hear you say goodbye

But the love you gave me will always live
You'll always be there every time I fall
You are to me the greatest love of all
You take my weakness and you make me strong
And I will always love you 'til forever comes

And when you need me
I'll be there for you always
I'll be there your whole life through
I'll be there this I promise you, Mamma

Mamma, I'll be
I'll be your beacon through the darkest nights
I'll be the wings that guide your broken flight
I'll be your shelter through the raging storm
And I will love you 'till forever comes

Goodbye's the saddest word I'll ever hear
Goodbye's the last time I will hold you near
Someday you'll say that word and I will cry
It'll break my heart to hear you say goodbye

'Till we meet again...
Until then...
Goodbye

(Song written by Robert John "Mutt" Lange and Performed by Celine Dion)

Tuesday, October 20th Update

Ionica woke us up at 3am to say goodbye to us. He was so sweet and in his broken English he told us to came back to his home again soon. I love him and will miss him.

In the morning we woke up at 6am to finish getting our stuff together. Marius wanted to leave early so that he and Larisa could get back home early because they had to work at 7am the next morning. Albina fixed us breakfast. Neither Kalan or I could eat very much. I felt like I had a pit in my stomach. I did not want to face up to the fact that we had to leave. Kalan, Albina and I sat together on the couch and waited for them to arrive. I felt so tired and emotionally drained. I didn’t want to face this moment. The time came when they arrived. Everyone helped us carry our stuff down stairs. We packed our luggage into the car and had to say goodbye. Vica had stayed late from work so she could say goodbye to us. It was so difficult to say bye to her. I started crying as we hugged and I didn’t want to let go. She has been so kind and sweet to us and I truly love her. Her personality is so loving and kind. We were all crying. I hugged Albina and at that moment I truly felt heartbroken that I had to leave. We cried and I felt like I was holding on with all of my might. Albina told me that she is my mother there and that I can call her anytime I ever need a kind word. I feel that is so true. She is my mother there. She replaced the role my own mother once had and she has never given up on that. I always felt loved and cared for around her. How I will miss her presence on a daily basis. It was so difficult to say goodbye. I wanted to stay with them forever. I cried and cried as we got into the car and drove away. I already felt like a part of the me was instantly missing.

We made the 6+ hour drive all the way to Bucharest. We stopped to eat at a restaurant with Marius and Larisa. It is nice to be with them. They’re so kind and it was great that we could all speak English to each other. I felt so exhausted that I slept most of the drive. We stopped at a military monument. It was actually quite beautiful on the inside. There was so many tributes to all of the generals and soldiers who have fought for Romania. It was nice to get out and sight see a little bit. We finally arrived in Bucharest after 3pm. We found a hotel that was across from the airport. It was hard to say goodbye to Larisa and Marius. They have been so kind and generous and I will truly miss them. I felt like it was taking all the strength I had to not fall on the ground and cry. As we made our way to our hotel room, the floodgates opened and I couldn’t stop crying. I got into the room and just crawled into bed and cried. It was so hard leaving. I can’t even begin to describe how hard it was to be alone in the hotel room. The contrast between the dark cold hotel room and the warmth and love at Albina’s house was so apparent that I could no longer hold it together. I cried until I thought my tears were gone. Then I cried some more.

Finally Kalan and I got a taxi and went to the nearest mall which is actually the largest mall in Bucharest. I found out the Ikea was right there. We got some dinner and I cried the whole time. I must have looked so strange crying over my food and crying everywhere we walked. After awhile, we got a taxi and returned to our hotel room. I think I fell asleep crying. I was so exhausted and really emotionally drained. I couldn’t even think straight. We woke up at 3am to get our things together because we had to be at the airport by 3:30 am to make our 6am flight. I must have looked like a zombie walking through the airport crying all the time. The farther away we got from Romania the faster and harder my tears came. I felt like my heart had stopped beating. Although I was so happy to return home to my kids who I had missed terribly, I felt so heartbroken to be once again leaving the family I left so long ago. It truly felt like I had left part of myself there. I felt alone and naked without my family. I was missing them terribly. I felt like I had a broken heart and like the tears were never going to stop.

What an amazing journey this has been for me. There are not enough words that fully express all of the emotions that I have felt. I feel like my soul has been forever changed, touched by the love of so many family members.

Monday, October 19th Update

On Monday around 2pm Marius picked us up. We went to Nicu's house first. We got to his house and were greeted by Mihaela and the kids. They were so happy to see us. Nicu arrived a few minutes after. He had just gotten done with work. They had kept the two older children home from school so they could see us. We spent time visiting with them. The children were wearing some of the clothes we brought. I could see that they had been wearing some of the shoes that we brought for them. Mihaela and Nicu were both wearing some of the clothes that we brought them. Mihaela was cooking some of the food we purchased for them. I was really glad to see that they had been eating some of the food we brought. I wish that we could have purchased more. I am afraid that the food will not last that long and I worry about the cold winter that is quickly approaching. I am so thankful that we were able to have the means to purchase a good supply of food for them. The children will be feed a little better for some time and that makes me glad. My brother looked really happy and good. Since our first visit, they had spent some time to finish painting and cleaning the room. The beds were made and rugs were laid out all over the concrete floor. The room looked happy and brighter. Everyone looked happier and brighter. The children were happy as usual. They are so cute. Gabriela hugs and kisses me constantly. The two younger kids are a little more shy, but they started opening up a little more and being more comfortable. They were smiling and playing with each other. Gabriela was playing with my hair the whole time. They are so sweet. Nicu looked really good. He was happy and had more light and joy coming from his face. It made me happy to see him like that. That was the brother that I remembered. He was always very protective of me and a concerned older brother. We were so thankful that Marius was with us so that he could translate for us. It's so nice having a translator.

Nicu took us to see Niculina’s house for the first time. Her house was the same as I remembered. She looked exactly the same to me. She was happy to see me and she cried. She said that she was glad that I was happy and that I had returned home. We gave her some gifts, but she was hesitant to accept them. She said that the best gift was seeing me again. We couldn't stay that long at her house. I wish that we could have. It was good to see her. I was happy that she got to see that I was still alive and well. After her house, we went to one of my godmother's houses. Apparently, I have 3 godmothers in Ipotesti. I didn't remember her or her family. I wish that I could. She lived right across the street from Niculina. We spent a little time at her house visiting with them. They were sweet and kind and overjoyed to see me. After her house, Nicu's priest had wanted to meet me so Nicu took us to see him. He was a younger priest and very kind. He seems like a very kind and understanding priest. He loves Nicu and it was obvious that he cares about him and tries to help him. It was nice to see the relationship that they had. I was glad to meet him. He mentioned that he had seen my blog. I think several people in Romania have. I wish that I could have gotten his e-mail address because I think he is a person that I could trust to be able to send money to so that he can purchase food for Nicu. I will write my brother and ask him for his e-mail and phone number.

After we visited the priest, we went to the cemetery. Nicu has been working as the gravedigger in the cemetery for the past 2 years. He digs the graves by hand. It is hard, laboring work. The cemetery is so green and covered in trees and vines that cover the ground. It was raining and cold when we were there. It rains so much here that it is green all the time. Everything grows here. We searched for my parent’s graves but we couldn’t find them. My parents are not buried together. Nicu was pretty sure that he knew where our father was buried. When our father died, he was not at home. He was in a town down south working in the mines. When someone dies here, they are buried within 2-3 days. You are buried where you die even if that is not your hometown. In the states, we have the luxury of burying our loved ones wherever we want. Here they don't have that option. They have to be buried where they die. Many of the grave stones in the cemetery don't have names on them. Most of the sites have metal crosses and after all the years of heavy rain, the crosses are rusted really badly and the names are no longer visible. We searched around the area Nicu thought our parents would be but we didn't find anything. It did not bother me. My mother was not there. I had felt her spirit in Straja and the cemetery was not where she was. We stopped looking because the rain started coming down faster.

We went to Nicu's house again. The kids were there eating a snack. Nicu asked when we were leaving and when we told him in the morning, he started crying. It was heartbreaking to tell him that I had to leave. We stayed and visited for as long as we could. I loved being there. Nicu's whole countenance was brighter that day. I loved just looking at him and seeing his happy face. There was a different spirit in the home. It seems like my visit had boosted his spirits and he is happy and hopeful. I hope that he can keep that feeling with him constantly. I think that he feels more loved. With everyone’s help and donations, we were able to give him so many things that he needed. I think that he was a little embarrassed by all of it but I think that he was grateful at the same time. The bedding we brought is going to be so warm during the really cold winter that will come. The kids all had new shoes and snow boots. Nicu and Mihaela both had new shoes. They all had sweaters, gloves, beanies and lots of other clothing. I had been saving stuff for them since we reunited. I was able to bring so much clothing to them. The kids were able to have a lot of warm winter clothing. I was so thankful that we were able to bring food to them. At least for awhile, they will not have to worry where their next meal is coming from. We brought them a good variety of food and some fresh fruits and meats. I wish that I could have purchased more food for them. Next time I visit, I want to have a bigger chunk of money set aside to buy them more food. Everyone seemed happier and it seems like for a short while their burdens were lighter. Hope has the power to lighten the heaviest of burdens. I know that is what was happening to them. I could see the smiles on their faces. They felt loved and cared for. They have hope for a better life and a better future. I know that we will never stop helping them. They need it and we will always be there to provide whatever we can for them. It was so hard to let go and say goodbye. I kissed and hugged each of the children. I will miss them so much. I hope that they could feel how much I love them. They're so sweet and I wanted to hold them forever. Nicu and I cried as we hugged each other. I didn't want to let go. It was breaking my heart. There was so many things that I wanted to say but couldn't. I hope he feels how much I love him. Every time I would let go, I would start crying harder and holding on to him. He would do the same thing. I told him that I loved him and that we would write and talk on the phone. He said not to cry anymore that we would see each other again. I felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest. Out of the few memories I have of Romania, my brothers were one of the only people I remembered. Now after 18 years, I realized not only how much I had missed him but how much he has missed me. I realized how hard it has been for him and the heartache my departure has caused. It was hard saying goodbye to Mihaela and the children. I will miss them every day. I will miss my brother every day. I cried as I drove away and looked back to see Nicu standing in the street alone watching me go. My life will never be the same without them in it. Goodbyes are unbearable. I felt exhausted and my emotions were drained.

After spending some time with Marius, we got back home to Albina's. Her home is such a comforting place. I love being there. I instantly felt better. She had fixed us some dinner and was making some donuts when we arrived. They were so good. After dinner we had to pack our stuff because we had to drive to Bucharest at 6am in the morning. I hated packing my stuff. Albina was sleeping in the same room with us that night. As we were packing Albina and Vica kept bringing more stuff for us to take home. Ionica had to leave at 3am the next morning for a trip with his boss. Vica was getting all of his stuff ready. As we finished our packing, Albina was sitting on her bed watching us. I looked over at her and she was giving me a look that I usually give Kalan. It was funny to see that we all give similar looks. It's nice to see another family resemblance. As I looked at her she put her face in her hands and started crying. I started crying too as I sat next to her and hugged her. We sat there crying and hugging each other. Each of us took a turn comforting the other. I don't know how long we sat and cried together. She kept stroking my face and crying. I just wanted to sit there in her arms and never leave. Her presence is so comforting and peaceful. I feel loved and cared for. I wished that at that moment I could speak perfect Romanian so that I could tell her how much I loved her, how she represents home to me and how I will never be the same without seeing her every day. I think that through our crying and hugging we were able to speak the unspoken feelings we had. I hope that she knows how much I love her. I think she does.

Sunday, October 18th Update

On Sunday morning we woke up and ate breakfast. At Saveta's house we have eaten sarmale (stuffed cabbage rolls) which is the traditional Romanian dish. Usually they stuff it with rice, herbs and some type of meat. It is delicious and just like I remember it tasting. Kalan loved it. We got ready to leave Straja. Kalan and I were both feeling sad. Neither of us wanted to leave. It was so hard to think about leaving Straja. I felt like I was home and Straja was special to me. I was teary eyed all morning. We took pictures with everyone. It was difficult to say goodbye to Vasile. He cried and so did we. He has such a fun and playful personality and it was really hard to say goodbye. I wished that I could speak Romanian so that I could tell him goodbye and how much I loved him and appreciated his kindness. We already said goodbye to Aurel and Zamfira on Saturday. It was difficult to leave their house. I wanted to stay in it forever. I cried as we got into the car and had to drive away. Saveta was working in her store so she drove with us. We dropped her off at her store. Once again it was really difficult to say goodbye. We were all crying. She said not to cry because we will be able to talk on the phone and the internet and we would see each other again soon. I hope that they could feel how much we loved them and how much we appreciated being around them. Goodbyes are awful. It feels like a part of you gets left behind. It was a dream come true to be in Straja with all of my mother’s family together. They have been so gracious and kind to us.

We rode in the car with Ionica and Albina while Vica and Razvan drove in the other car. They drove us around to all of the tourist sites. It was so fun to spend time just looking at all the beautiful monasteries. They let us stop at sites to purchase souvenirs. They noticed that we were buying postcards at every stop so they started buying them for us. Then at each tourist souvenir stop they would purchase stuff for us. We had to stop looking at stuff so they wouldn't see. They are so giving and generous. If you even look at something in the store, they buy it right away. We can't even point out something and says its name in English without them buying it for us. We were touched by their kindness. They're so giving and sweet. They would give anything for you. It's truly a beautiful trait. The monasteries were beautiful. All of them are hand painted on the inside and one of them was hand painted on the outside walls as well. They are breathtaking. We loved looking at each one. The scenery was beautiful. Everything was so green and all of the countryside was carpeted with vibrant fall colors. The countryside is amazing. At one point we went to the top of a mountain to see a large statue of a hand. The hand represents the hard working people. It started snowing while we were up there. It was an amazing view. It was a really great day. It was nice to spend time together. Each of them bought special gifts for us. We loved everything and really appreciated their kindness and hospitality.

We got into Suceava after 5pm and we finally convinced them to let us take them to dinner. We took them to the restaurant where Marius and Larisa work. Marius is a chef and Larisa is a waitress. It's a small restaurant meant for business travelers. Marius cooks international dishes. It was nice to see them. We missed them. Marius made us wonderful dishes. I told Larisa to have him surprise me with a dish. She brought me out a plate that had thin potato slices arranged in a flower shape with rolled chicken in the middle. It was really pretty. He belongs in a resort. The dishes he makes are beautiful and something you would find at a fine resort restaurant in Scottsdale. He is self taught. You would have to attend a culinary school to be able to learn how to makes the dishes and desserts that he makes. They're beautiful and plated so well. It was a very nice dinner. We were glad that we got to do something for them. I feel like it's not enough for all the kindness and hospitality they have shown to us. They deserve the world.

In the evening back at the apartment, Albina showed me her photo album. She did not have many pictures of my mother before her death. I don't know if you all know this, but typically in different countries their family albums include pictures of the deceased. I would say that more than half of her photo album were pictures of them at funerals. It was lovely to see a photo of my mother when she was healthier. The photos were small and very aged, but I could see her face and she looked happy. She had a lot of pictures from my mother's funeral. She started giving me all of the pictures. I was happy to receive them but they are heartbreaking. There are many pictures of me at the funeral. I was crying as I was looking at all of the photos. Once again, there are not enough words that could describe how I felt as I looked at my baby photos which also had my mother in them.

Albina has been sleeping at her neighbor's apartment since we arrived. She is so sweet. After showing me the pictures, she went and got all bundled up so that she could walk over to her neighbor’s apartment to sleep. She is the most unselfish person I know. Everyone here is so giving and kind. It’s a beautiful trait. After she left, I sat in our room staring at the pictures and crying. The pictures are extremely bittersweet. I love seeing a picture of myself as a little toddler, but I wish it was in a different situation. It’s a mix of emotions as I look at a photo of myself at my mother’s casket. They’re particularly heartbreaking because everyone else in the photo is very solemn and sad, but I am smiling and happy and clearly do not understand what is going on. I was only 2 when she passed. The saddest photo by far is a picture of Albina holding me as I am smiling and reaching down touching my mother’s face. This photo made me want to fall apart and I felt like I was feeling the pain of my mother’s passing so deeply. In the photo I look so happy to be seeing my mother – not realizing that she has passed. It is so clear in the photos that I am just a little girl with no understanding of what was truly happening. I had no idea that it would be the last time I would see my mother. How heartbreaking it is to think of that moment in my life. In many ways, I felt like I was still that little girl reaching out wanting to hold my mother. I sat and cried as I looked through all of the pictures again and again. Oh how I miss my mother. Words cannot express the void her passing has left for all of us. What is particularly sad to me is that my family has told me that I followed my mother around everywhere she went. They told me that I was like her little shadow. It makes the photos even more heartbreaking for me to see. But I am thankful for them because they are a part of my life. They document my life and what I have been through. There are several pictures of us as a family (my father, brothers and I) at my mother’s side. How sad those pictures are because they fully depict the reality of our situation. A father left to take care of his little toddler. A little girl left without her mother. Two young boys left to fend for themselves. It is so hard to see how our lives were truly shaped by the passing of my mother. My father and brothers have not had easy lives. My brothers in particular have struggled. How my heart has ached for the sadness and sorrow that they have endured whether by situations outside of their control or sometimes because of their own mistakes. I feel like I was the lucky one. Sometimes I wondered why it was me that left and not them. Why did I get chosen to leave while thousands of others were left behind? There were others in worse situations than mine. But as I have returned to my homeland, I realized some of the reasons I was chosen to leave. I think God knew that I would return again. And this time I didn’t return empty handed. We came bringing not just supplies and necessities but hope. I feel like hope and love can truly change the world. It can change our hearts and the hearts of those we serve. That is the beauty of loving and serving those around us. You never know who needs that glimmer of hope during those dark hours. And you never realize how your life will be changed forever.

Saturday, October 17th Update

PART II

Later that evening, we ate dinner at Saveta's then went outside by the fire to grill some meats. Saveta and Vica were busy putting the meats on the grill. A meat similar to carne asada had been marinating all day. It looked so good on the grill. They also made small potatoes to grill. We had sausages and hot dogs as well. Vasile was watching the meats grill. It smelled so great. We all sat around visiting, laughing and being in each other's presence. Ionica had his car turned on to give us light by the fire. He had music playing. We were all sitting there. He asked me to dance. I felt silly but of course agreed. We just danced to the song. He hugged me and starting crying. I started crying. He just kept hugging me and squeezing so tight he even cracked my back. It's hard to describe the feelings. Along with the joy of my return, there is a feeling of lost years and lost memories. Here they have felt the pain of my departure. My aunt Albina has searched for me since I left. The minute she found out she started fighting for me. It was hard to see Ionica so emotional about it. Since we couldn’t really speak to each other, I think that was his way of saying that he has missed me. It’s amazing to realize how much a hug can convey all the words that you cannot speak. I understood that he loved me, missed me and was so glad that I was home again. I sat by Vasile (Saveta's husband). He keeps looking at me and calling my name. As I sat next to him, I noticed that he had started crying and his shoulders were shaking. I put my arm around him and we sat and cried together. He is clearly saddened by all the years that have past. It's hard to witness that. I think to him I was more like their daughter. I lived with him and Saveta for over 2 years. I am the same age as their younger daughter. They cared for me as their own and I know that is part of the heartache that is felt. It’s hard to realize that the last time they saw me I was a tiny girl and now I’ve returned and I am older, married and I have children of my own. It’s hard to describe the feelings of many years that have passed. I feel a mix of emotions. I believe all things happen for a reason, but it's hard to see that they have missed me and longed for me. I feel the same. I have missed them and longed for their love. Once my mother died, her family all took care of me as their own. I am sure they did the same before she passed. I think that's why it has been so hard and painful for them. They had the loss of their sister and the loss of her only daughter. I can't imagine the depth of their feelings. To think of my sister passing and then to think that her child had to be given away - it's like another death. It's so emotional for everyone, including me. I never thought that I would have those type of feelings. It is difficult to put into words what the loss of the past 18 years have meant for them and for me. I feel the loss of the relationships and what could have been. I feel the loss of their love and constant companionship. I feel the loss of the families that remained in Romania.

The evening was spent together eating, talking and laughing. After the meats were done grilling, we went inside to visit and talk. Even with my limited Romanian, I understand more than I can speak. Vasile keeps telling funny stories about me and laughing. He is a very funny person with a joyful disposition. He loves to joke and keeps making us laugh with his funny stories or facial expressions. I too feel the pain of my departure. It's a bittersweet experience. Obviously I was supposed to be adopted for a reason but that doesn't mean that there isn't some heartache associated with it. I feel blessed to be able to return home to my nation. God has truly performed miracles in my life. It's amazing to witness His hand in my life and to see His love and mercy as we are all healed by my return. Yes, many years have passed and the loss of memories and time is painful. But the miracle of our reunion is evident and makes up for the sadness and sorrow. Now we can begin again to make memories and strengthen our bonds of love and continue the legacy that they have. I am thankful and honored to be home again.

Saturday, October 17th Update

Part I

Saturday we woke up and ate breakfast. It's so fun being surrounded by so many family members. My mother's family is very close. There are only 2 siblings left, my aunt Albina and my uncle Aurel. Aurel is 74 years old. They're all so loving towards each other and us. I can tell that they are really close and all have a wonderful bond. I feel honored to be included in that. They loved Kalan as one of their own. He kept speaking in Spanish to everyone. We all just laughed. After we got ready for the day, we took the walk up to Aurel's house. Aurel lives on the top of one of the hills. He has an amazing view of the village. His house is not very far away from Saveta's. We took the walk thru the forest to get to his house. In fact, the forest just behind his house is walking distance away from the Ukraine border. As we made our way closer to his house, we could see him standing outside of his house waiting for us. It looked like a shot out of a movie. Here was this old man with his hat on, standing outside his white fence waiting for my arrival. When we got to his house, I walked up and we just hugged. Again, another emotional experience for everyone, including myself. Even though I don’t remember him, I felt so welcome in his arms. Somehow I felt like my soul had missed his presence all these years. He is so sweet and radiates warmth. All of my mother's family radiates warmth and a love. Perhaps an extension of the love of my mother. I feel at home in their arms. We went inside his house. This is the same house where my grandmother gave birth to all of her children. The same house where my mother was born and raised. I felt a sense of peace and comfort in the home. Inside their home, there is a little stove (soba) where they cook, but there is also a spot that makes an L shape above the stove and you can sleep there. They said that is where I spent my time sleeping at their house when I lived with them. It is a beautiful quaint home and over 100 years old. There was a special feeling in their home that made me feel like I had never left. Albina and Zamfira took me into the other room to show me some pictures on the wall. The first picture hanging on the wall was a photo of a beautiful woman who looked to be in her early twenties. The photo took my breath away and I felt an instant pull towards it. Tears instantly came to my eyes as I looked at the photo. It made me so emotional. It is a photo of my aunt Silvia, my mother’s older sister. In the photo, my aunt is so beautiful. I still cry just thinking about it. My feelings were hard to explain. I was surprised at my reaction towards the photo. It was like a massive force had hit me and I was instantly overwhelmed with emotions just looking at her photo. It's hard to fully explain how I felt the moment I saw her photo. She died way before I was even born. I learned that she passed away in 1965 when she was just 30 years old from a cat bite that got infected. She was so young when she died. She was not married at the time. The other photo was of Aurel when he was young and in the military. He looks the same only older. Zamfira brought her photos in the other room for us. I love photos. For someone like me who has little memory and knowledge of my family here, photos are a priceless treasure. I loved looking at the photos of my mother's family. Many were of Aurel and his life. He was a logger in his young days. Aurel has such a presence about him. I love to be around him. I think in many ways we represent the same thing to each other. To me, Albina and Aurel represent an extension of my mother's love and life and I think to them I represent an extension of my mother who they lost so long ago. When I am near them I feel like I am near my mother. I miss her. I found out that my grandfather served in the military. He was killed in 1944 during WWII. He is buried in the mountains where they have a monument to all of the soldiers. He died in August/September and in October my mother was born. My grandmother raised all of her children alone in this house. I think she must have been an amazing woman who was extremely hard working. I think she must have taught all of her children well by her example because they are all hardworking, kind and generous. My grandmother passed away the year before I was born. During my visit, I was able to get the names and dates of my grandparents and all of my aunt and uncles. It was what I had hoped for and I was very excited. Learning about my family’s legacy is so important to me. Not only do I want to know everything about my life in Romania and my family, I always want my children to know where they come from. I wish that I could fully articulate the feelings I felt in the home where my mother was born and raised. There is a pure love in this home. It radiates warmth, peace, protection and love to me. Here in the walls of this home I felt whole. I felt honored to be standing in the home where my grandmother lived and raised her children. I felt honored to be a part of their family for they truly have a wonderful legacy of love. It was hard trying to hold back tears. I felt like I was going to burst into a million pieces because I felt so overwhelmed with love. In many ways I wonder if this is a fraction of the same type of love that must radiate from heaven above. A love so pure and strong that it leaves you breathless and fills every inch of your soul. Perhaps this is the power of love that can be felt from our family members who have passed on but still remain near us watching, comforting and protecting us. I truly believe that my family has watched over me throughout my life, comforting me and giving me strength during my darkest hour. I feel that they watch over and protect my little family now. It’s an honor to feel of their love. I felt so overwhelmed with feelings of love in Aurel’s house. This is the home where generations of my family has lived. The same home where I lived for a short time as a little girl after my mother passed. The home itself represented so many different emotions for me but it mostly felt like Home – a place where I belonged and perhaps never really left.

We stayed at Aurel’s house for the whole day. For some reason I just wanted to sit and stare at him. I wonder if I had the same fascination with his presence when I was little. He was baffled that I no longer spoke Romanian. How I wished at that moment that I could. There are so many questions I have for him and everyone. I am determined more than ever to come back speaking fluent Romanian. I feel like I cannot let time go by without recording his memories and everyone’s memories of the life of my mother, my grandmother and all of the family that has passed. Their legacy needs to be told. Aurel’s life needs to be recorded. I think about my grandmother whose life is one of strength and goodness. She was a mother left to care for her children alone. Her story must be told for all generations to know and remember her. I want my children to know their heritage. I feel such an urgency and need to record their lives. They have amazing stories of strength and determination. I was told a little bit about the strength of my mother and her life. She was a woman with a strong spirit despite her weak body. I don’t want to let memories like that slip away. I yearn to know more about my family. I want my children to know about the legacy that my family has left behind.

When we left Aurels, his neighbor, a sweet old lady called me by name. Albina and I went to her. She was working in her garden with her husband. She hugged me and was emotional. She obviously remembered me and I am sure I spent time playing at her house as well. She picked some beautiful, fragrant flowers from her garden for me. I started crying. Here was this sweet lady who I had no memory of and she was touched by my return. It was so sweet. They are all so touched and emotional by my return, but they have no idea how honored and touched I feel to have had this amazing opportunity to return home again. It has been over 18 years since I left and yet they have never forgotten me.

I feel so honored to have returned to the home of my grandmother – the home where my mother was born. It completely changed my life forever. I feel like I was touched by something so powerful that my soul was forever changed. If only you could feel what I felt.

Friday, Oct 16th Update

Today we woke up. We were finally able to sleep at Albina’s and that was nice. When we woke up, we ate breakfast. Everyone was getting ready to go to Straja. Vica had to go to work so she wasn’t coming until Saturday. Straja is north of Suceava and less than 2 hours away. It is literally on the border line of Romania and the Ukraine. They kept telling us that it was very cold in Straja and Albina kept bundling me up with more layers. Vica wanted me to wear 2 coats. I finally stopped fighting it and just accepted all the coats and sweaters I was being offered. When we left the apartment I was wearing my thick sweater, a thick vest and my thick coat. I almost had to wear another coat on top of that. I did however agree to take it with me. I felt like the little kid on A Christmas Story who gets so bundled up that he can’t even put his arms down. My cousin Ionica, his son Razvan, Albina, Kalan and I started the drive to Straja. We brought our backpacks with us as well as a large duffle bag of stuff we brought for everyone. As you travel out of the city, the countryside is so beautiful. That was what I remembered about Romania. I thought that I would remember a lot more but oddly enough Straja was what I remembered. Straja is where my mother and her family are from. As we got closer to Straja I could feel my heart pounding and I was more emotional. I couldn’t figure out why. I think being here in Romania and traveling to the place where my mother lived and walked is a really emotional experience for me. I kept holding back tears. There was something special about Straja and I could feel it before we even got there. I could feel my mother’s presence with us as we headed towards Straja and entered the town where she was born and spent her life. When we arrived in Straja we went to Saveta’s store (my cousin) to meet her first. She was waiting outside her store for me. We got out of the car and I just walked up to her and hugged her. She was crying. I have to admit that it is always so emotional to greet someone who has missed me all these years. We were both emotional. She kept looking at me and crying. I can’t imagine what it must be like for my family to finally see me again. I know how it feels for me but it must be so much more emotional for them because they all remember me. She was happy to see us. We thought we were going to have a translator with us but we didn’t so we had to speak with the dictionary. Saveta couldn’t believe that I didn’t speak the language anymore. I wish that I could. She has 2 daughters and her youngest daughter is 6 months older than me. We used to play together when we were young. I showed Saveta all of my pictures and described them as best as I could in my limited Romanian. I can understand more than I can speak. We stayed around her store for a little bit. Then we left and drove to her house. Saveta and her husband Vasile have built a new house on top of a hill that overlooks the farming village. They used to live down closer to the river but in April when the river rose, their house was flooded. There is definitely never any droughts here. Her house is beautiful and she has the most amazing view on top of the hill where they live. Straja is considered a little village even though it is actually big. There is no big buildings or stores, just lots of beautiful barns with tons of land and cows and sheep. People still travel by horse and cart here. I can't describe how beautiful it is in Straja. The fall colors are amazing and unlike anything in the States, especially in Arizona. The beauty just takes your breath away. You'll have to see the pictures to see it - although the pictures probably won't do it justice. It is the most beautiful place. This is what I remembered about Romania. We got to Saveta's house and met her husband Vasile. He was waiting for us outside his house. It was another emotional meeting. He wept and so did I. He was really emotional to see me. We all settled in and Saveta came home from work around 6pm. We ate dinner. Then after dinner they all go outside around a fire and grill some meats like sausage and potatoes. It's so fun to just sit outside around the fire visiting. Vasile kept telling funny stories about me and I was only able to pick up on a few of the stories. My uncle's wife, Zamfira came down and met us. She was so happy to see me. She stayed and visited with us for awhile. I just keep thinking how surreal it must be for them to see me now. The last time they saw me I was a little girl. Straja feels like home to me. I remember bits and pieces of my life here. After my mother died I spent quite a few years here. I lived with Saveta and Vasile for over 2 years. I lived with my uncle Aurel and Zamfira for over 6 months. I think after the death of my mother, her family took care of me until I was able to be more independent. Life here is less stressful. People have their homes and their farmland. The people live off of what they grow in their gardens. I think they have a better life here. Everyone has a farm with livestock and gardens as well as fruit trees. It is a really beautiful and peaceful place. I love it here and it feels like home to me.

Thursday, Oct 15th Update

Today we spent the day with Albina and Vica who had the day off from work. We spent the morning looking at pictures. I love looking at pictures. I love seeing moments from their lives.

In the early afternoon after Razvan got home from school, they took us to the mall. We looked around the mall for a little while. Then after awhile we went to a store called Segros (similar to Costco). We told them we wanted to purchase food in bulk for Nicu and asked for suggestions. They were so wonderful and helped pick out what they thought were great ideas and economical for the situation. Since Nicu does not have a stove or a refrigerator, we had to be picky about what we chose. Vica and Ionica kept walking around picking out items that they thought would be great. I was trying not to like look an idiot who was crying in the store while she’s buying food. I was so emotional as we were picking out food to bring to Nicu and the kids. I just remembered being so hungry all the time and I was so glad that we were going to be able to bring the kids lots of food. I was holding back tears because I wouldn’t have been able to explain why I was crying over the food. I kept thinking of the little kids and how much food they need. They must be starving more often than not and it’s an awful feeling. They’re so young and growing and they need nourishment. We bought a lot of food for them. We purchased items like rice, beans, canned meat, sausages, pasta, sauce, fresh fruit, powdered milk, different kinds of soup, sugar, eggs, and so much more stuff. Since Nicu has no stove and no refrigerator, we made sure that the items were practical and some of the items were individually packed so nothing went to waste. I wanted to hug Ionic and Vica and tell them how much I appreciated them for helping us. I think that they could tell I was emotional. As we left Ionica took me over to the bakery department and bought me a doughnut.

I thought we were going to take the food to Nicu later tonight but we went after we left the store. I was excited to see him and the kids. We arrived and Razvan and I knocked on the door. Mihaela came to meet us. The children ran to the door screaming and excited. Gabriela had over 5 hair flowers pinned in her hair. I think she really does wear as many as she can at a time. We entered the room. It looked so different than the night before. I think they spent the day finishing painting and they cleaned and organized. The bedding was on the beds. The kids were covered in markers because they had been coloring all day. I don't think they've ever colored with markers before. We sat down. Nicu was in better spirits and was happy to see us. You should have seen the kids. They were going crazy over our arrival. They were so excited. They keep hugging and squeezing me. The boys are a little more shy and timid than Gabriela. She just hugs, kisses and squeezes me tight. I love their kids. They're so sweet. Gabriela showed me that she wrote my name and her name together on a piece of newspaper. I couldn't find the coloring books I packed so for now they were coloring on newspaper. They had their markers spread out all over the floor. I just love that they have something to play with. I wish I could get them a million educational toys and fun toys too. They would love it and truly appreciate it. We brought in all of the food. I think maybe my brother was a little embarrassed but I didn’t care. I know that they need the food and I was happy to be able to provide it. The kids need the food. They were excited at everything we brought. We even bought them a huge bag of cereal that was similar to Cocoa-Puffs. The kids were excited about that. I felt happy because I knew that for a moment I had eased their burdens. I can’t imagine as a parent wondering how I am going to be able to feed my kids that day. At least for a little while he doesn’t have to wonder where his next meal is coming from and the kids will know that they have food. The visit was really nice. I was so happy. Some neighbors came over. A husband and a wife came over. I used to play with their kids. I remembered them. They were so happy to see me. It was cute. An older gentleman came over too. We didn't have a translator with us so we were all kind of trying to speak as best as we could. I am picking up the language more, but I'm still not speaking well enough to be able to carry on those type of conversations. The man said that his son was the one that christened me when I was a baby. He was really overjoyed to see me. He was actually quite emotional and just kept staring at me and saying my name over and over. He stayed for a bit. He got emotional when he was leaving and so did I. He was so sweet and seemed like he had missed me. I got teary eyed as he left.

It was a really nice visit. I just love his kids. How could anyone not? They're so bright and lively. They were all over me. I loved it. I hope they can tell how much I love them. I just want to take them home with me. I want to take everyone home with me. Life in America is so much easier. Despite our economical problems and all of our own personal, financial or other hardships, nothing compares to how it is here. All my worries and problems seem minimal and unimportant compared to what my brother is facing and what his children deal with on a daily basis. I really wanted to get some food for them and I was so glad that through the help and generosity of so many people and the success of our yard sale, that we were able to have money to purchase food for them that will hopefully last quite a few weeks.

Nicu knew that we were going to Straja for the weekend. I hated saying goodbye. I wish that we could have stayed with them. The kids love it when we come. I love it too. But we told them that we were coming back on Monday to see them. The atmosphere in the house was different. Their spirits seemed lighter and it seemed like their burdens had been lifted. I was happy that we could be a part of that.

Wdnesday, Oct 14th Update

Today we spent the day with Albina. I can’t describe how wonderful it is to be with her. She radiates love and warmth. She has such a genuine kindness and a caring personality. She immediately feeds us. She won’t let me help her in the kitchen. I’ve tried asking and she just says no and kisses my cheek. She cooks for us all the time. Everything we have eaten has been wonderful. We mainly eat soups with ‘smantana’ which is their version of sour cream. It is really good. We love all of the food.
We went to the grocery store with her. It is located at the street level of their apartment building. We learned right away that if we even look at anything in the store she will purchase it for us. If I pick up anything to tell her the English word for it, she buys it for us. So we avoid looking at stuff or touching anything for fear that she might buy it for us. Kalan and I joked that we had to start talking in code.
In the afternoon we walked around the city to see some of the sights. Right now, the city has dug up a lot of the underground piping to make improvements to the water system. That means that some parts of the city do not have hot water. Right now Albina’s apartment does not have hot water. She said that they do this every summer/fall. Albina, Kalan and I walked around for awhile looking at some of the churches while we were waiting for Razvan to come home from school. The churches were very beautiful. All of the walls on the inside are hand painted with depictions of Christ’s life as well other types of historical events. The painting is really intricate and beautiful. I told Kalan I was really proud of myself for understanding a good amount of what Albina was saying. We haven’t had a translator with us every day. My cousin works so we’ve been alone with just our dictionary. With the help of the dictionary and my own memory of the language, I able to understand a good part of what they are saying. Many words are similar to Spanish so Kalan is actually able to pick out stuff as well. If the word is not exactly the same, then it is usually similar and that helps us figure out what they’re saying. I was so excited to be able to understand the language more and more. I understand a lot more than I can speak. It was just fun to walk around the city and spend time together. I feel safe and at home here. After awhile, we picked up Razvan from school. Vica dropped off her car for us so that we could drive around to some of the sights. Albina said that when I was little she took me to some of the sights. I wish I could remember that. Kalan was the designated driver. I couldn’t have driven the car. I freak out at stuff like that. They definitely drive differently here. Although the roads are marked and there are lane lines, people don’t really follow them. Everyone kind of does their own thing to try to get to their destination. We drove to the Suceava Fortress. It is a huge fortress that dates back to the 14th Century and was one of the fortresses of Stefan the Great (Stefan ce Mare). He was the Prince of Moldovia between 1457 and 1504. He was a very religious man and many churches and monasteries were erected during his reign. He is considered one of the most important people of Romanian history. His long reign as the Prince of Moldovia brought much cultural development to the country. He was seen as holy by many Christians and after his death the Romanian Orthodox Church made him a Saint. The fortress had a very large picture of him. The fortress was large and surrounded by many trees. The whole area is very green and really quite beautiful. It was fun to sight see with Albina. It was a cold and windy day so we stopped at the little café and had some hot chocolate. Albina gave me a picture of my brother Florin when he entered the army. He looks so young and just the way I remembered him. I was glad to have the picture.
Albina is such a comfort to me. To me she represents so many things. She is an extension of the live and love of my mother. I feel a sense of protection and belonging near her. She treats me like her own daughter. She told me that when my mother died, I became her little girl. In all of my pictures, she is the one holding me. I feel so blessed to be reunited with her. Now I feel complete. Her presence is so comforting to me and I think it is because that is how she has always been to me even as a little girl. She comforted, loved and protected me and that feeling has never left. In all of the times that we have talked on the webcam, she has always cried the entire time. Now I understand how emotional it must be for her to be reunited with me – someone she loved and cared for and considered her own little girl. It’s as if she lost something so precious and after a lifetime of searching she has finally found it. I feel the same way about her.

Prayer of the Children

‘Can you hear the prayer of the children?

On bended knee, in the shadow of an unknown room

Empty eyes with no more tears to cry

Turning heavenward toward the light

Crying, Jesus help me

To see the morning light of one more day

But if I should die before I wake

I pray my soul to take

Can you feel the hearts of the children?

Aching for home, for something of their very own

Reaching hands, with nothing to hold on to

But hope for a better day, a better day’

(Song written by Kurt Bestor)

This song brings me to tears as I think about the reality that I once knew and now the reality that my own niece and nephews face. Despite their situation, they glow. I am so amazed at their bright and happy dispositions. All of the children manage to remain happy and cheerful despite their living circumstances and their need for basic necessities such as food. They look ok but I can tell that they don’t receive enough food and nourishment. It is a heart wrenching situation for me to see. I was that little girl. The most difficult part of my journey was returning to my home and seeing Gabriela, Andrei and Cristian living as I once lived. But what eased my sorrows was the fact that we were able to bring 3 huge duffle bags full of warm bedding, clothing, shoes and all types of warm winter necessities and other basic needs for them. On Thursday, we were able to purchase a lot of food for them and I was so glad. For a moment, I felt like we had eased my brother’s burdens. At least for awhile they won’t have to wonder where their next meal was going to come from. It does a heart good to ease the suffering of those we love. Somehow and miraculously I ended up healing myself in the process.

Tuesday, October 13th Update

PART III

My brother manages to get work whenever and wherever he can. He has been the grave digger for the small cemetery for the past 2 years and people also hire him to do things around their homes. I am thankful that he is able to get some work. It is just not enough. The home is in bad condition and desperately needs to be repaired. They don’t have any indoor plumbing so that means no bathroom. Nicu has been trying to make some repairs and improvements to the home but he barely makes enough money to survive. One of my goals was to be able to have some money so that we could purchase some food for him and his family. They are all very skinny. The children are skinny. They don’t look scary skinny or sickly but they are very small. I worry that they don’t have enough food and that they are not receiving enough nourishment for their growing bodies. I remember when I was that age and I just remember being so hungry all the time. When I lived with my father, we just didn’t have enough food. He received an agricultural allowance which was less than a $1/day. It was not enough. Others did what they could to help us but we just never had food. I remember gnawing on a loaf of stale, old bread that was hard as cement. Sometimes that was all that I ate for the day. You don’t know what starving is until your body is literally starving. I have never forgotten that feeling. It’s a horrible reality. I remember at my young age being scared that I might die in the middle of the night because I was so hungry. And sometimes I would go to sleep hoping that I would die in the middle of the night so that I wouldn’t have to be hungry anymore. It is hard to understand what that feels like until you have been through it. It’s a reality that no child should ever have to know. I don’t want my niece and nephews to ever know what that feels like. But I fear that they already do. I want to make sure that they never go hungry. It just brings such a feeling of despair and loneliness when you’re so hungry like that. Nicu’s children are so bright, cheerful and full of life. I am amazed at their resiliency and strength. They are fighters. You have to be. You develop survival mechanisms so that you will keep living. His children just radiate happiness and hope. While we were there, Gabriela and Andrei both recited poems that they learned in school. They were so proud and I was so emotional watching them. Gabriela is a ray of sunshine. She resembles me in looks and it feels so strange to be looking at her as she sits on her bed in the same house where I once lived. At times I would look at her as we sat next to each other and it was like I was looking at a younger version of myself. Only she is better than me. She is happy and full of life. I admire her. Andrei is a little more shy but he has a happy spirit. When he smiles his eyes light up and melt my heart. Cristian is the shyest of the three. He is more quiet and more reserved. Our personalities are similar in that way. He is so cute and sweet. I love these kids like I love my own kids. To me they light up the room. These little kids are fighters. I can tell that they are clever and bright with many hopes and dreams. They deserve all that this world has to offer. They deserve a future and happy lives. A life free of the harsh realities they are faced with. As a parent it is so hard for me to see their situation. I was in that situation and now I can’t imagine having my kids be in that situation. That is how I feel when I see them. I feel like they are my own kids and I want to fight for them. Fight for a better life for them. Fight so that they never have to do without basic necessities like food and clothing. They don’t have a voice. They are powerless in their situation. How kind the good Lord has been to rescue me from a desperate situation only to bring me full circle. Once I was that child without a voice and now I am a woman with a voice and a purpose. How appropriate that I return to my home and to the same situation I once knew to help better the lives of those left behind. I want to fight for them because they are worth fighting for. How I would move heaven and earth for them because I love them. Because they deserve it. Because they are pure and represent all the hope that this world has to offer. Because they are an undeniable part of me, part of my soul. Who will fight for them if I don’t? I think about the worth of a soul and the value of human life. I think about my brother. What is his worth to me? I think about Gabriela, Andrei and Cristian. What is their worth to me? I would go to the depths of hell to fight for them, for all my family. You have to fight for those you love because sometimes life is not kind and sometimes you find yourself in the bitter depths of the darkest abyss and you wonder who will fight for you to bring you a glimmer of hope in your darkest hour. No one is immune from pain, sadness and a broken heart. But it is during those dark hours that God works miracles through the hands of others to bring Hope, Comfort and Love to ease the pain. Through helping my brother, I have healed the broken heart I had as a little girl. Through the kindness and generosity of so many people, I have the means to help them and to supply them with basic necessities.

Tuesday, Oct 13th Update

PART II

As I made my way up to the front door, I felt like I was stepping back in time. I remembered every detail of my old home. It felt so surreal to be standing at my front door again. Mihaela greeted us at the door and welcomed us in. As I stepped in to the hallway of my old home, I could vividly see myself there as a little girl. We walked into their room. Because it was late at night, Nicu and the children were sleeping. They were alarmed by our arrival. We were not able to call Nicu and tell him that we were coming. Gabriela and Andrei woke up but Cristian, the youngest, stayed asleep the whole time. I think they were all shocked to see me and it must have seemed like a dream because no one did anything for awhile. Nicu stared at me as if he was looking at a dream. When he realized it was really me, he grabbed me, hugged me hard and started crying. My heart broke into a million pieces and I felt like the little sister he lost so long ago. I was crying and holding on tight. I never realized how much I had missed my brother until I was hugging him for the first time in over 18 years. We held each other and cried for a long time. There was not a dry eye in the room. I never thought that I would see my brothers again. When I was adopted, they were not at home and so we were never able to say goodbye. Nicu kept holding my face in his hands and crying. It is hard to fully describe how I was feeling at that moment. My brothers have not had an easy life. Nicu has not had an easy life. It has put years on his face. How I wished at that moment that I could erase all the sadness and pain away from his life. I wanted to make everything better and perfect for him. To see the difficult life he has had shook me to my very core. That could have been me. But by the grace of God, I was given a new life. Here I was kneeling on the hard concrete floor of my old house, holding my brother and crying. And I knew that I was meant to return home again. To see my brother in such despair and sadness broke me. He is my family, my flesh, my blood. I wanted to tell him that I was home and that things would be better. That there was hope because so many people cared about him and wanted to help. I wanted to tell him how much I had missed him and how my heart was hurting to see the hardships that they bare. I felt whole and broken at the same time. I felt whole because I was home again. I had taken this journey and returned to my home country. But I felt so broken kneeling on the floor crying. As we looked at each other we both knew that there was so much to tell and not enough words to describe it all. But as I looked in my brother’s eyes, I could see that he knew I loved him and I knew that he loved me. And that was enough.

We brought 3 large duffle bags of donations for Nicu and his family. I didn’t realize we had so many donations for Nicu but I was glad that we did. Albina, Ion, Vica and Razvan all came with us along with my cousin Larisa who translated for us. Nicu and his family occupy 1 room in the house. The room is about 10x10 and this is where they live, sleep, eat, cook, etc. There is no indoor plumbing but they do have electricity. They live in one room because this is the only room that has a small stove as a heating agent. The other small room does not have a stove and so it serves as a storage room for their few belongings. They have 2 very small beds that they sleep and sit on. The room has a very small side table that they cook on. They do not have a stove. They cook on a small 2 burner camping stove. They were in the middle of painting the room for my arrival and they were not finished. I think they were a bit embarrassed by that. It was a sweet gesture and I appreciated it. I was so happy to be able to bring so much to them. Gabriela (6), my little niece was so happy to see me. She kept hugging and kissing me. Andrei (4), my nephew kept looking at me and smiling. He’s a little more shy. I was sitting next to Nicu on the ground as I started opening the duffle bags. The kids started talking and squealing non-stop. They were so excited for everything. One of the first items we gave them was 2 really large down blankets. These were donated to us by The Breast Cancer Society. I remember the winters being so bitter cold and we had little heating in the house. You don’t understand how cold the winters can get when you have no blankets and your only source of warmth is your tiny little stove that you hope you have enough wood for. I wanted to bring warm blankets and winter necessities for them since the colder weather was fast approaching. The blankets were very thick and will keep them very warm when it starts to snow. Nicu and Mihaela were crying. I kept pulling more items out of the duffle bags. You should have seen the looks and expressions on Gabriela and Andrei. They have never had presents before. They were so happy and excited with all of the presents. I gave them their winter boots first. They screamed. Gabriela put her boots on and Andrei wanted me to help him put his on. They were so excited. I wanted to make sure that the kids had very warm shoes and boots. We also brought tons of warm winter clothes for the kids. Each of the kids also received warm winter coats. They had everything from socks, to coats to beanies and clothes. These children have never had presents before. No Christmas and no birthdays. I lived the same type of life. My first presents were when I came to America. I remember that feeling so well. To have something given to you as a gift is magical to a child and the children were feeling it. They kept hugging me. I showed them their toys and they were almost hysterical by then. They wanted to try everything on. A friend’s little girl had given her favorite baby doll to us to take to Romania. I gave that to Gabriela and she was so excited. I am sure she has never had a doll before. I gave her some play makeup, lipstick and nail polish. She opened them right away and put her makeup on and also did her nails. She was loving it. I showed her the hair flowers and she said she wanted to put every single flower on her head. She got about as many flowers in her hair as she could fit. We gave them all colored pencils and markers. They went crazy for the markers. It is amazing how such a simple item like markers can bring such joy. We had shoes, socks and clothes including coats and sweaters for Nicu and Mihaela. I had items for my other brother, Florin but he was not there. He has been gone for over a year in a town very far away. Nicu has not been able to contact him but Florin sent him some money awhile back. I was sad that he was not there. I hope that when I return I will be able to see him. The whole time I was taking stuff out of the bags, Nicu would put his face in his hands and start crying. It was hard to not cry as well. I can’t tell you how happy I was to be able to bring such desperately needed necessities to them. We gave them medication as well including chewable Tylenol for the kids. They don’t purchase medications like that. It’s a luxury not a necessity. We also gave them hygiene items as well as some treats for the kids. We gave them peanut butter too. They don’t have peanut butter in Romania. I was so glad that through the generosity and kindness of so many people, we were able to bring such wonderful and needed items to them. I could not have done that on my own. I am so thankful for all the donations that we received. It will make their lives easier.